I just put out an orange level terrorist threat on her punani
Why did I call the Oregon Department of Transportation at 4:30 in the morning, and who did I talk to for three minutes?
Was it a mistake telling him I couldn't get the abortion until I was 2 months along on the first date?
I just had some guy offer to eat me out on my lunch break... I think single life is getting better everyday
We're playing fucking games. GAMES. THIS IS BULL SHIT. IM GOING TO THROW UP ON THE BABIES AND LEAVE.
his eyes are fucked up, he bumped into the cabinet while standing in my office, and he's pounding chicken soup, and he must have chewed on 8 pieces of gum before he got here.
come to Starbucks. I'm the fat girl eating a whole pizza sitting on the ground
It was an 11am booty call. We were both out of our element.
I keep telling myself last night was not real, not real, not real. Then I remember I can't move. This hangover is too fucking real.
I want a bunch of melted cheese. or a penis. or a penis covered in melted cheese
I think I just gave my niece a weed pinata...
yknow last night was like... the third night in a row alex woke me up to make sure i wasn't dead and tbh it's sorta sweet.
I was just at Kroger and saw some guy with a steelers balloon... ran up to him and popped it. NO RAGRETS.
Sorry i ignored you for so long. I think my vibrator is broken.
That's nice of you to be concerned, but I'm pretty confident I'll marry someone 30 years older than me, ride out being the trophy wife for 10 or 15 years, then live large!
Randomize
