She's dressed as Musafa. How could this not be a good idea?
You wouldn't know anything about the tooth on ice in my freezer would you?
I gave myself a pep talk in the library bathroom mirror. and then threw up in the sink.
Woke up under the lifeguard stand sleeping next to mitch our homeless friend. I bartered a summer wardrobe for his last 5 dollar to buy a bfast sandwich. Bring clothes
I know you think I'm being paranoid, but can you please make sure Danny doesn't rub my wedding invitation on his balls?
When I get home we should play "let's see how many Christmas movies we can watch before we start having sex."
I really hope jumping jacks prevent pregancy because I'm kind of banking on it right now, do you know why there's a unicycle in the corner of my room?
You know what? I bet HE would do stormtrooper roleplay with me. I'm in.
My head is pounding and I need an ice pack for my vag. Successful friendsgiving!
Blah blah blah. Just come home and put a baby in me.
You should have. Partying with 60 year olds and batman is so much better than partying with bitches our age.
No. Way more drunk than the night I put a snowball in my purse "for later" and woke up to find everything soaking the next day.
But less drunk than the day that Pete took four of your birth control pills thinking they were Advil, right?
I’ve seen not one, but three Facebook articles on my feed today about “how to eat ass”. Idk what the universe is trying to tell me but it’s needs to chill
I went to finger her and found a penny. I think ill keep it.
I texted him: “Come over for the Super Bowl. I promise lots of scoring.”
My divorce is turning into a porn script
Randomize
