Do you know how easy it would be to shoplift if I was a magician?!
I'm always impressed by your drunken ability to quickly gauge how long it's been since you've shaved and whether or not your prospective hook up will care.
Hello wreck, this is your train calling.
They were lying down in the parking garage pretending to be speed bumps...
I think he's on the stoner protein diet. I just saw him, at 3 am, spreading mayo on a slice of deli ham and sprinkling salt on top.
Wasn't a date. In exchange for artichoke dip I received a bj. And sex. It was a transaction.
Just successfully went through airport security with shrooms. It's gonna be a fucking awesome new years
I feel like our relationship should have moved on from you constantly asking if I'm gay
I was going through my settings and the phone randomly started playing "Crazy Little Thing Called Love" by Dwight Yoakum. Out loud. At full volume. I was shitting. There were 3 other people in the bathroom. I love iOS 7.
This guy is like Don Jon! Im over here this weekend and at least four times I've heard porn on his phone thru the bathroom door.
Just realized Ive never seen my f buddy in the daylight. What if he looks different?
I mean seriously there comes a time when you just need to take a crap in peace. Until he figures that out he can stay the hell outta my place.
Sorry i ignored you for so long. I think my vibrator is broken.
wow wtf man i was the friend bailing you out of jail with 500 cash and you didnt have the common courtesy of waking me up for class when i passed out drunk and naked in the bath tub
I was dressed as Waldo and the cops kept saying looks like we fuckin found you
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