I looked him in the face and asked if we could stop. he asked why. I said "I can't feel it.". ...I feel bad; I should have faked.
You know how you thought that you put on a condom last weel?
yea
turns out that you did...and i just found it.
it is 7:54 and i am surrounded by drunk old people. drunk enough that my grandmother and her friend just compared boobs. as in, shirts off, bras coming down. save me.
mom and dad sent me an easter basket full of beer pong supplies again.
i have to go- we're throwing the dummy from the balcony again
Until then we have the self affirmation from retweets and nights alone with pizza..
This heat and humidity do not mix with these braless DDs and a tank top at a BBQ.
During sex his mom asks from the other side of the door, "Do you like avocados?" Who doesn't like avocados?
So I may have to sleep with a cougar to get a slightly used, yet free microwave. I'm going in
Thanks for bringing that stuff to help me feel better...you know, the water, the Gatorade, and the dick. You really are the best friend ever.
I'd marry him just to keep his penis in the country
Me and mom just bonded over our mutual desire to bang Mark Ruffalo. I'm not sure how to feel about this.
He ain't mine yet. Gotta have a third date before I pee on him and mark territory.
Oh. Wait. That happened on the second date.
you're not celebrating your 21st birthday right unless you give a male stripper a hand job, flash the bartender, and win a free vibrator.
Why are there condoms taped to the handle of Tito’s?
I get horny when I drink, pregnant when I fuck and I never lose the booze unlike my purse
Randomize
