just caught grandpa beating off in the living room
I wish we had a justin bieber to wanna fuck when we were younger... But noooo we just had hanson
my boyfriend just told me he used to have genital herpes. I was gonna have sex with him, but now it's SOOO over.
what kind of stupid fuck tells you that BEFORE sex? he is definitely not a keeper.
he is literally lying on the floor eating cookies. doing nothing. and as i was hitting him he needed to protect the cookies more than himself.
she just uttered the sweetest sentence in the english language...my stripper friends are coming over
Can you do me a favor and fuck someone with a car so I can get a ride home?
My roommate says its rare that you can be tear gassed before you lose your virginity so i feel accomplished in life
Dude, im sorry I had sex with that girl I was trying to hook you up with last night. Good news though she puts out
I'm still pretty stoned. There are mini rice cakes in my robe pocket to snack on in the shower.
Just realized my relationship wasn't even Facebook official and I'd already cheated on him. 'Shitty girlfriend' is an understatement.
This is a mass text. I will facerape you if you bring me Fierce Melon Gatorade and 4 D batteries.
He literally just peed in a trash can in our room. It didn't even have a bag in it
If you saw or spoke to me yesterday can you message me. Trying to make a timeline of the day I was too drunk to remember
this bedazzled flask is my best investment yet
At least your wife cheated on you. Women will feel bad for you. In a month there will boy bands that are jealous of your dick
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