The worlds most fuckable chipmunk
An ad on my facebook says "don't be THAT girl". Its like it knows.
when you get a chance can you look up 'free abortion clinic' for me? cuz i dont think i'll be lucky enough for a second miscarriage.
You left me on the phone while you grabbed a plastic bag and started puking. I recorded it. Its my new ringtone for you
If only we could all 3 say fuck school to be stoner flight attendants
Now that there's no chance of him coming over to fuck anymore, I'm going to put up a one-person tent in my bedroom and live in it. My bed reminds me of him.
I woke up five hours later with a mouthful of Jimmy John's while clinging to my sandwich.
That's the best thing about having gay dads, you don't gotta do shit on mothers da and everybody is down wit getting wasted on mimosas at brunch
Finishing last nights 1.5L of wine and beef jerky for breakfast. Work looms, ever the prickly bitch.
the chips you spilled whiskey on is not the same thing as Irish breakfast potatoes
I'm at the point where I'm more upset that he got to keep my bottle of Fireball than that he stopped talking to me with no explanation
You would think a husband, a boyfriend, and a vibrator would be enough. But sadly it's not
I'm only friends with her because I can't stop watching the train wreck.
I'll probably just end up banging you in your parents marital bed,in their honor of course.
My fart just smelled like the inside of white castle, I mean spot on, no difference whatsoever.
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