i think a pirate just stole the rest of our fucking beer. what an appropriate costume.
And then the cop told me my court date was on 4/20. I said come onn u really gunna do me like that
He googled "how long will i be drunk" and just started crying
Dude..her orgasm sent her into a seizure...theres no joke here. It happened.
It smelled like mall pretzels. Of course I investigated.
The last thing I remember is ordering two Martinis while yelling 'CAN YOU PUT THAT IN ONE GLASS?'
I never thought I'd say this but my vagina is taking a serious break for awhile
Put you drinking hat aside for Tuesday. My buddy is bartending!
I just puked in my drinking hat.
I'm drunk and you're awesome. let's stay this way forever.
im currently assessing the tequila situation in preparation of your arrival
They had their heads out of the car singing the wrong words to the national anthem as we drove through traffic of people leaving the fireworks. AMURICA
How high is the bridge and how deep is the water and what are the chances I will get arrested
Not even official and he's cleaned my puke twice. His hotdog skills are an added bonus. I've got a keeper
I'm the Oprah of jello shots
Googled 'how drunk am I' and it was NOT helpful
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