I am apparently in rockville maryland. I just threw up my tater tots I had fro brunch in a safeway parking lot. Then ordered a pizza. Pepperoni and pineapple. I'm sitting in the parking lot, next to my barf, waiting for my pizza. WOOF. Someone just gave me an oxycontin tab. Can u come get me? I'm scared
Cool, so I just walked in on my grandfather checking his prostate in the kitchen.
he just asked me to email him a handle of captain morgans...how sober do you think he is?
You were spitting chewed up pretzle into my hands telling me to hold it for you.
the bar told me i would have to take an hour break so they could wash the shot glasses
Explain to me how it was that you spent the entire night playing pool with three lesbians and did not get a foursome out of it.
Woke up to the sound of my own moans coming from the tv....evidently it was videotaped.
I need you to help me convince Steph that she will like Tequila if she would chase it with A-1
The pigeons can smell the fear
Wtf
You got into a heated argument about Frankenstein's intelligence while double fisting burritos from taco bell.
I feel so much better about my break up knowing that he's having his 26th birthday at Rollar kingdom\n
I was just giving a mobile app demo to a client, on my iPhone, when a reminder alert appeared across the page blinking "12pm: go home and give John head". You're an asshole
Hahaha oops.
I can't wait to see you & have espresso-fueled sex
I miss seeing you
i hope for the sake of your safety you were not with your girlfriend while sending texts like that at 3 am
How you run into a glAss door three times in a row I do not know
Randomize
