it's too hot outside to masturbate.
Just ran into my ex in the WOMENS bathroom. He said I did this to him. Swore he never wore my clothes but said he liked my skirt. I need vodka.
I don't call you at 3 in the morning to start a fucking relationship.
Thank God for cruise control and the Starbucks cup I had to puke in.
Hah, I lost the lenses in my glasses, didn't event notice til this morning... How was the meeting?
everything was going well until edgar threatened to handcuff the security guard to himself.
I pretty much landed into this relationship penis first
im currently assessing the tequila situation in preparation of your arrival
Body paints and jello. Your canvas awaits
Another sexterpiece awaits
I think as a general rule I have to have blacked out somewhere at least twice to be comfortable.
I just told the sun to stop. That hungover.
Come share oat with me in your robe
No, gay couples have the same problems straight ones do; I wish that we could go back to the days when he would shit with the door closed.
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
Omg I'm having dinner at chilli's with a guy who is arguing that getting a weed leaf tatoo on his neck will prevent him from getting a job as a dental assistant
Well that actually sounds reasonable
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