I fell asleep next to my cousin and woke up with my hand in her pants because i though it was lisa
It smelt so bad when i tried biting off her underwear that i didn't want to touch with my mouth
Sundresses, hats, and big glasses. That is the greatest trick the devil ever taught women.
a lady just got escorted out of the bar because she came in carrying a can of gasoline while smoking a cigarette....this place is the definition of class
No see this is how It goes: guys will fuck virgin girls. But girls don't really want to fuck virgin guys. So you're good have no fear.
The doctor said 'youre the 2nd youngest person that ive seen with this condition. Thats probably not the silver medal you were looking for today.'
All i remember was you crying naked on the bathroom floor because you were cold. I got you a blanket and you kept kicking it off and crying because you were still cold.
I've discovered the best way to avoid rehab is to not fuck fat chicks when your drunk, therefore delaying regrets and rock bottom
your the Dr. Phil in my life
Today is an unchanging day
Sorry it's taking so long, it's harder to take an ass pic with an iPad than you think
No biggie, just trying to keep my liver function in the green
Sorry. We had to leave because I knocked a guy out for saying "yolo".
I guess what I'm trying to get to is that my dog sneezed on my dick earlier and its really taken the joy out of my evening.
I feel like I shouldn't be left around 30 year olds when I'm drunk
this isn't the first time drunken padiddle ended in a fist fight..
First you stole a hockey stick out of the nieghbors yard and claimed you were moses leading his children home. Then you led us around the same block twice before I called the cab
Randomize
