I feel like if your cat could talk she would call me a cunt.
how can i change my meal plan to a keystone plan?
I can't wait til my little brother reaches the point where puking doesn't mean we stop drinking
i'd be lying to you if i said i didn't just bring up microsoft excel to make an alcohol budget
Its official. 'Jingle Bell Rock' gives me a boner. Thank you Lindsay Lohan & Rachel McAdams.
I walked in, the bartender looked at me, grabbed 3 shot glasses and a pounder. Lined them up on the bar then made a line with salt on the other side of them and said I wasn't allowed to cross it.
STOP WHATEVER YOU ARE DOING AND GO OUTSIDE RIGHT NOW. THE MOON LOOKS LIKE CATWOMAN
Hey where the fuck is the rest of my beer? Lets start this day off right
Tried to put an eye patch on while hooking up with a girl. She was not amused.
I just accepted my offer to work as a camp counselor over the phone between shots of Fireball. This is going well for me so far.
If more people understood that brunch is at 3pm the world would be a better place because you don't have to wake up early. Breakfast food is important
We broke the bed while I was handcuffed to the headboard and let's just say that was a hard one to explain to the RA
He kept screaming "I am the thunder!" when he was riding me.
How did your walk of shame include a trip to Walmart and how did you bump into the cop that arrested you last night there?
I am now banned from the bar... Because you got head from my ex in the woman's restroom
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