i have a strong urge to join the asians in the park doing tai chi. I think im still high .
Five things that make you perfect. Go.
The skin of a dead hooker. The blood of the innocent. The soul of a kitten. The hat from cat in the hat. And sunglasses.
You know its going to be a good homecoming when you beer bong a mimosa at 6am.
You know, last years football game was epic, but seeing the same girl that gave you a bj in the parking lot, in the same parking spot...that's fate.
While you wait, fill out your state patrol application. Not trying to be your mom, I just really want to fuck a cop.
I picked up a guy that night wearing a onesie. I kicked Xmas' ass
I think we might have a drinking problem when the ASU kids called us crazy
No one made them take a shot with us at the 12 hour mark. That's their bad
Who suggested the eggnog wet t-shirt contest last night like whose idea was that
Speaking
I didn't even know this guy existed until he'd had his hands down my pants, so I just went with it.
YOU TRIED TO SWIM IN HER FISHTANK. I don't think she's going to call you.
I HAVENT SEEN A PENIS IN 5 WEEKS I REFUSE TO REMAIN CALM
You are the ghost of drunk bitches past, present, and future.
You know you're good at multi-tasking if you can get a lap dance from someone while simultaneously eating a burrito.
She called and said she was waiting for me naked. I got there and she was in ratty sweats, sitting in Nick's lap, with divorce papers. Needless to say my night was shitty.
The only good thing about 2020 is that the hot flight attendant neighbors are using my pool a lot. If i can keep them from wandering into my Zoom meeting with my boss I’m golden
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