I don't know which is more embarrassing, the fact that I shat on the floor today or that I told you about it.
Flying to Orlando on the 7th is cheaper than the 8th by like three margaritas.
I don't know if the fire truck was perfect timing or if she actually burned something down.
Remind them to make the "above the influence" commercial about us fallin off a ferris wheel
she spent the whole night flailing her arms because "primates are the only species who can move their arms like that and we shouldn't waste it"
I woke up naked, with the lights on, using my backpack as a pillow and a pillow as a blanket.
Omg. The nephews found my stripper pole. The scary part is theyre good at it.
We invited our waitress tonight to come too.... we told her she had lightning in her veins and in return she taught us a Texas Roadhouse dance so the logical next step was invite her to a kegger.
he fed me chocolate as I gave him a handjob. I felt like a princess.
I'm pretty sure my intestines are bleeding but I'm still going to Orlando to catch that orgasm.
On NPR this morning, farmers are feeding weed to pigs. The result: pot bacon. Life just got better.
How many other adults do you think have slept naked under the Winnie the Pooh blanket sober?
Se wrote an essay in class about proper and fashionable winter wear for dogs. Of course I regret fucking her.
My Sexting was not on an AP level
I found a Trump-humping republican virgin born on the goddamn Fourth of July. I NEED to hate-fuck him.
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