You know you have a problem when you walk into your bathroom find kettle one in your shower and a note you wrote yourself when drunk that says "panties at jared leto's" on your counter
That poor girl was naked and had to be at a job interview in an hour
She might as well just lie down with one of those red "Easy Buttons" next to her
so i think im going to actually use my calories on food today instead of beer.
She was so happy she found her sunglasses, that she blew me. Im now randomly hiding things of hers in hopes she'll find them and I'll get a repeat performance.
Day 8 of being sober: Sniffed an empty beer bottle at a restaurent and almost licked it. This is not working
I turn the corner to find her walking in the front door in a tee-shirt, two different shoes and no pants. All she said to me was "I'm sad"
I just entered us to win a trip to Vegas for spring break. GET YOUR VAGINA READY FOR THE ULTIMATE DICK HUNT!
Well that's the second time I've broken a lamp during sex this month. Starting to worry I'm some kind of X-man. (this one was a wall sconce and I fully smashed it with my head and it crumbled like it was made of sugar)
do you think this outfit says "I maintained my dignity this weekend"?
Heard you were the one that shit off Jamie's balcony. FYI there is a cabbie down here out for blood
Have you considered sword swallowing? Something about that bj tells me you could make a it a career.
Please can we have sex in this office for old times sake
When he mumbled "I can't feel my legs," proceeded to stand, fall over, and just lay there I knew I'd given great head...
Just passed a girl holding a jar filled with what appeared to be diarrhea
Randomize
