I think I gave almost everyone at that party the clap last night
If it was for sex do you really think i would asking for a mass vote? I'm like fidel castro when it comes to sex. No public approval needed.
drinking steel reserve before noon and watching the price is right... 211... bet i pass out before then.
You fed me milk from the beer bong because you thought it would "Sober you up" .
Do you know anything about the Easter basket sitting on my doorstep filled with porn and peeps?
On that note if you see a hobo smiling with a pack of cigarettes and an AMP energy drink, that was my good deed for the day
Jelly. This is your "are you still alive" text. Any response will do.
Hey I found a cat!
YOU ARE SO GOD DAMN LOUD AND YOU'RE SHAKING THE GOD DAMN HOUSE. FUCKING STOP.
Today's walk of shame includes last nights hair and make up, an 8 hour shift, me leading a meeting and me throwing up in a parking lot on my way to work. Dear world, you're welcome.
Yup, two strangers look up at each other and realize the only connection they have is the dead woman they banged to death below them. Magic. They have to be best friends now.
It's still 8am.
Yeah, but its wine drunk. WITH A DOCTOR. THAT MAKES MY MORNING CLASSY.
Like these jerks could have told me it wasn't a video call, I wouldn't have put on pants.
Hungover. No words. Just memes.
Just discovered I was so fucked up last night I called in sick to work... TWICE
Well when you come back we can have a huge bitch fit...or get really drunk....whichever comes first
Randomize
