maybe if you didn't yell 'buh duh duh da duh da dats all folks' when you came she wouldn't have left last night
This girls a $30 bar tab from being bi
Every time my boyfriend threatens to commit suicide I change my relationship status as "widowed".
I keep getting texted pictures of my husband with other men. I can't figure out if he wants a divorce or a threesome?
I was just about to send a concerned text until I opened my door and saw a shopping cart. I'm glad you made it home in one piece and with toys.
Jordan and I are drunk and barred out at the liquor store sitting in the awesome $70 Corona bench bargaining with the owner for a lower price, all while passing the Belvedere bottle between the two of us. Real life. College has down this.
Dont get mad at me, it takes two to tango
IT TAKES ONE TO EJACULATE INTO THE OTHER WITHOUT CONSENT, AND SPOILER ALERT, ITS THE ONE WITH A SCROTUM FULL OF SEMEN.
It was kinda hard to explain to his wife why there was chocolate syrup on the ceiling.
Sometimes you get drunk and fall out of a car. I never said it was glamorous.
Well I can't message him and be like "hey I was behind you in CVS a month ago and I remembered your last name and DOB and looked you up on fb and added you so wanna hang out"
I want to get "Patrick Kane" wasted tonight
I am one hundred percent down for that
Drinking a grey goose and water in a random chair that I found by the road by myself
So there's that.
She just kept feeding people pretzels and sayying "You're such a good goldfish."
So, just how hungover are you?
Not at all, surprisingly.
That has to be your X-Men power.
Anyone who does not know who Paul McCartney is does NOT get to put hands in my pants
Randomize
