I dont ever wanna see you tell my little brother to "spread the seed" ever again
so today I found out that she used to be a he....
are you gonna get a divorce?
screw that ipod for my birthday.. i just want a weed brownie the size of my face. that's all.
just so you're aware of it in the morning: you tried to slide down the railing on a snuggie. twice.
I broke stuart's oven and showed up to the party with a squirrel.
all I'm saying is that my epic blow jobs have made grown professional football players cry in ecstasy
So some drunk guy just tried to convince me with all of his passion that bacon is a color
Just had my first american. He tasted like freedom.
she has that "i will punish you like your mom did" vibe, i think guys like that.
Blacked-in to me, shirtless, giving myself finger guns in the mirror and rapping "stacks in the club stacks stacks in the club."
Not saying I'm a lesbian. Just saying that every time she walks by I wanna scissor her
He played with my nipples while singing "How great thou art"
We need to step in, this can't continue. The guy she went home with last night looked exactly like Count Olaf, right down to the unibrow.
Which version tho, Jim Carrey or Neil Patrick Harris?
THAT DOESN'T FUCKING MATTER, YOU DON'T FUCK COUNT OLAF!!!
MAGGIE IS ON MY COUCH PETTING AN HONEST TO CHRIST ARMADILLO AND SOBBING INTO HOT CHOCHOLATE. WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO TO HER.
I'm pretty sure that cute cop drove me home. Especially since I found his card in my purse.
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