what do you think about when you wanna get rid of a boner?
dying kittens.
at home by myself drinkin the left over champagne from my party... who says my birthday has to end?
i knew she was high when she broke up the cookies into her glass of milk and ate it like cereal
I knew the only reason I bought a smartphone was to play "You're Havin My Baby" on the way to cvs to buy Plan B.
You showed up at my apartment after 3 am wasted with a plate of cookies and tried to hook up.
Sorry about that. Except for the cookies.
If you can get laid in a rudolph onesie you are doing something right my friend.
Ok now a guy in a winnie the pooh costume is grinding on some chick to the song shots
I respect the size of her balls.
Yeah but I don't respect the size of her anything else.
Also, what is a socially acceptable way to introduce a crossbow in public?
You got me so high that I almost couldn't leave my house for a bar because there was nothing to lean against on the way there
To drink from my fkask next to a cop car or to not drink from my flask next to a cop car
The dude is a cop how would I ever date a cop I wouldn't be able to talk about the first TWENTY-SEVEN years of my life!
Showed up to the airport to find my fuck buddy is on the same flight. Do you think he'd be intertested in the mile high club?
I'd give anything to be driving a pirate ship wearing nothing but a coconut bra and a grass skirt eating a pizza and watching dolphins jump in the waves. Dreams ya gotta have dreams
Your dad was just slow dancing with the priest and holding a beer. Classic
Randomize
