new number. flushed my phone last night when i puked, made B help me look for it for 2 hours.
ya ever know whats down there. always send some fingers in first to scout the situation. fingers are not used for pleasure. they're used for covert missions.
I got to stop making out with my boss at work. I think we should just get it overwith, be dissaponted and move on.
How come ATM is perfectly acceptable, yet not washing your hands after you poo is socially reprehensible?
you came in and threw goldfish on our blue carpet and screamed SWIM BITCHES and then made me drink a best friends potion with you
Just threw up in the waiting room. I can't believe I have to switch dermatologists again.
Did you shave a certain someone in his sleep last night?
drunk grocery shopping was not as bad of an idea as i thought, this salmon cat food tastes a lot like tuna
We did hand stand push-ups while beer bonging. Its now a thing
If you kill yourself you won't get to feel that feeling when you have a good shit in the morning. Arent you gonna miss that?
There is a special place in hell for people who only eat the center of the pot brownies.
I take it you're alive?
Mostly. Can't quite control my arms.
You should come over tomorrow. Wine, pizza and my vagina. Those are all great things.
I just saw a cat, if i ate those mushrooms 15 minutes earlier i wouldn't have made it to the bar
I’m not spending 14 dollars on a margarita unless it’s rimmed with cocaine... actually do you have a blender?
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