i just woke up with two martini umbrellas taped to my nipples... idk how they got there
I just snorted a line of adderall through a rolled up business card for the Michigan Law Admissions Office.... Tell me I'm not motivated
I went to the bathroom like 8 times and each time I looked in the mirror and tried saying "I am sober." I burst out laughing when I got to "so-" every time. If you can't convince yourself, you can't convince anyone else. Fuck it, I'm going upstairs and drinking more.
You make your fellow Jews happy.
he emptied an entire bag of goldfish onto the bed and rolled around yelling the theme to jaws trying to eat them
he rubbed his balls on my face to wake me up.. this friends with benefits thing is getting out of hand.
I thought of you while cleaning the forehead prints off my glass doors.
No big deal, we were just two friends having sex. It's perfectly normal we don't remember. Water under the sex bridge,
i think he was starting go for a boob grab when we both realized the middle of a public tennis court wasn't the place
I am about five seconds from ripping off my clothes and throwing myself into the ocean to become a mermaid
Apparently it's not a "bonding moment" when you realize you use the same porn site as your boyfriend
At the bar in my pajamas again
Ummm that is the 3rd time this week and it is Wednesday
I put on that one song on Titanic so he'd fall asleep. When I was positive he'd passed out in a drunken fit, he outstretches his arms and says "I'm flying, Jack.."
Cookies and nudity, all you need in life
The squirrels were at the front door. Dude I swear..
That was my first party and they were so suprised that this little freshman girl was a FUCKING BEER PONG QUEEN.
Randomize
