Im at strip club and am horny
There was a fist fight in my basement last night at four in the morning, in case you were wondering
I just had the fat girl at the party come tell me I look sad and offer me a beer. I'm out.
During sex he wiggled his hips and said "I'm turning the ice cream" Deal breaker?
as we were stuffing their 24 of beer into our bags you kept saying you wanted cheese strings. closest things we found were kraft singles. as the guys came up the stairs you kept screaming 'GET THE CHEESE! GET THE CHEESE!'
The amount of pregnancy tests I've taken in my life is unhealthy
she tossed me in the back of the car and said "god gave u the gift of life and I wanna swallow it"
It's going to be great. We're a perfect team to break up marriages and happiness.
CONGRATS VODKA, YOU WON RHIS TIME..
She apparently grabbed another girl and pulled her into the shower fully clothed. When the girl was like "you need to stop" she curled up into a ball and refused to leave.
Whoa, you know how to pick em.
Call me when you get up. This hang-over is like dismantling a bomb: I need someone to talk me through it.
If we can't get laid at a bar crawl, we should just quit life.
I threw up in a pringles can. how do you think my night went.
I'm beginning a new chapter of my life in which our fridge will always be stocked with jello shots. I'm excited to embark down this road to fruity, semi-solid alcoholism.
On a scale of 1-10 I’m at biblical violence
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