I just woke up in my car with half the wedding cake next to me. This will not end well.
It took me 40.8 seconds to take a dump at her house, I know because I timed myself.
just used a blowie as payment for him having to take the dog out to let her poop.
i luv seein jocks study. its like watching monkeys masturbate.
I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
Uhh, there's a legit bruise on my boob.. Again how does he manage this
there's a picture of you and pauly shore at a starbucks on my phone
Our new roommate is sitting in the living room wearing a snuggie and clutching a handle of burnett's mixed with what appears to be crystal light and sobbing over a documentary about a dead race horse.
I know. Isn't she utterly fantastic?
Ohhh. Its been awhile. Vending machine hotel condoms are $15 here who can afford to not get herpes?
Some chick asked if she could eat me because I'm dressed as a taco. I introduced her to RJ. Best Wingman.
I may have tried to encourage people to play a new game I invented last night. I called it Super Quarters. Like regular quarters, only using an AA medallion.
I got hella high today and freaked out about life and interest rates
Heeyy... sorry I got so drunk. You probably don't ever want to see me again. Thank you for dealing with me when I tried to jump over the deli counter for some mayonnaise.
I shaved my asshole for this. That's real dedication.
Only you would make Mario Party a contact sport.
And you owe me a new pair of switch controllers.
Randomize