She knew it was going down when I had her search for "condoms" in my iPhone Maps.
Court Ordered Rehab!!! Do you think I'll need a swimsuit?
I walked into cold stone and the guy started preparing a supersized birthday cake remix for "Mrs. Munchies"
Is it bad that when I see babies I feel bad for them because its going to be forever until they are 21?
I love Welcome Back Week...No I wont accept your god but i will accept that hot dog
Penises. Penises everywhereeeeeeeee. Penis ratio is sooo disproportionate. I can't NOT get laid tonight.
I don't care what we do tonight, as long as it makes me forget that my boyfriend just told me he likes taking it up the ass from big guys dressed as construction workers
I'm walking home wearing Kermit the frog footie pajamas, carrying a monogrammed shot glass set with my name on it. It's fucking Christmas!
I was barred out and drunk as fuck locked out at 3am in my Indian costume. It was literally freezing outside. I laid down on the concrete and made a bonfire with dry leaves. Then proceeded to ask.the.bonfire nicely to "please dont go out". Drunk me went strait up survival mode.
Who knew drunk me could climb a 17 story building for apple juice and sex
I moved out... There's nothing left but his childhood trophies...
You should make him a new one, you know like "you suck at relationships but thanks for trying participation award"
This lady gave me four cups to go along with my gallon of daiquiri. Silly girl, all I need is a straw.
Easter bunny might get some gnarly munches and not even have enought candy left to hand out
Apparently I repeatedly thanked the paramedic for saving the "happy new year" beads i was wearing. that bad.
I got conspiracy theory drunk.
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