Just saw a commercial bout this girl that lost 54 lbs on a taco bell diet. so thats my excuse.
FYI : beer farts in the morning chase women right out of bed!
I would explain the ketchup stains in the bed to him but saying I just got my period is so much less embarrassing...
Like if god were to send me a cock shot, that's what it would look like.
I told him "thank you for wearing a turtleneck yesterday, I no longer have a strong erg to have sex with you. " He is no longer speaking to me.
Nothing says walk of shame better than a onesie and a 12 pack of corona..
What color suit is the proper "i banged the bride" attire?
I am gifting my birthday sex to you, but its okay because I can always just have birthday vibrator.
Remember that time you puked in a beer pong cup while someone else was playing?
that happened
If you got me high enough to laugh at a ceiling fan until I shat my pants you should at least have the decency to buy me another pair
I saved him in my phone as "Well-Hung Burrito Savior." I love Taco Tuesday.
Mom told me you snuck booze into a concert in a cheez its box...I have never been prouder to be related to you
We were so sore from having sex that we decided to fix it with more sex. It's the hair of the dog for sex hangover.
Maybe they'll dismiss me from jury duty after they smell beer on me. You can't keep me in a cage and then give me an hour and a half long lunch break next to a beer fest and expect sobriety.
Nothing like waking up and having two guys who aren't your boyfriend talk to you about their hard dicks before 9 am.
Randomize
