he spit gasoline on a tiki torch to impress a girl. he caught on fire but did get laid. success.
Just saw a Mexican guy pushing a stroller with 3 twelve packs of corona in it with a toddler struggling to keep up on foot behind him
he cracked the bottle of jager at 11am and said "hey, its Saturday and I gotta do something"
oh my god. i just found my camera... on top of the bush outside of my house. never let me drink everclear again
he's legally blind and likes the sound of my voice, good enough for me.
A guy in a sombrero stopped to take a picture with me sitting on the curb.
I'm pretty sure whiskey overrules bulimia in the eyes of Texas boys
oh yeah, there may or may not be a large boa loose in the house when you get home.
I'm sending you the three minute video I jus took,....it's of me eating a pear up close
You know we have no secrets, right? I mean, you saw me shitting in a gift bag drunk and naked on Christmas eve.
I'm by the tree and the Dora the explorer balloon .. Look for the Dora the explorer balloon
I wish I had a Tina from Bob's Burgers in real life. She would be the best wingman.
It's decided. Tomorrow I'm getting a Big Mac and a Dildo
Just threw up in a cup driving down the road because there was cop behind me and I didn't want to pull over. Not sure if winning or failing at life.
Can I borrow your pants?
WTH?
Just come to the men’s room and help me. The blonde bartender figured out I’m married. Rachel will definitely notice if come home pantsless
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