I woke up fully clothed on top of my sheets and i didnt even pee myself..so proud.
the truckdriver in the lane next to me just looked down and motorboated in my direction.
remember earlier when I said I was over sex with random boys? take it back take it back take it back
He managed to light the Jello on fire...
Hey just to warn you theres a really fat guy passed out in front of our front door snoring. Don't touch him, he's in god's hands now.
Ugh did we play golf last night and did you by chance hit my head with a club or a ball?
You puked on my feet last night. You owe me a pedicure.
porn backed up onto portable hard disk, laptop charged, battery backup in place, two cases beer, handle of vodka, poptarts and beef jerky --- bring it sandy.
I'm going to crush up my last 7 Percocets into a fine powder and toss my popcorn in it.
You have mono. It's like being pregnant, your are excused from normal social niceties like responding to people.
He wasn't excited for the fifty shades of grey trailer, so I told him we're done
just got a call from a life insurance sellsperson and apparently our xany dealer referenced us. not cool thats breaking the 4th wall
In other news, just had to pluck an ingrown pub with the pliers from my multi tool while sitting on the toilet at work.
I got arrested FOR running from the cops. In college Dad got arrested and THEN ran from the cops. So it could be worse.
I'm gonna be late for work because i decided to masturbate and forgot to put my clothes in the dryer
Randomize
