I felt like helen keller
But she could have totally found that shit before me
We walked in and the first thing we heard was, "OH SHIT! White chicks!" Naturally, I made some new male friends.
the cop asked for your social security number and you gave her your high school locker combo
I faked it too. I just spit on your bed.
He googled "how long will i be drunk" and just started crying
in fingerprint form on my ass. Seriously not cool. \ni bruiiiseeee like a delicate fruiiiitttt. Heeeaaarrr the rythymmm
Really? Uh ohh sounds like a double date with extra stripper funnnn
I like making it seem like it's at least a little bit difficult to hook up with me
Give me a reason to not spend the rest of my evening high watching dogs 101 videos
My pubic hair is shaved into the shape of mistletoe.
I hope that's a joke and if not I need a snap of it
GUESS WHOSE BEST FRIEND IS OUT OF PRISON!
I'm in Home Depot and I can feel the straight bob the builders staring at me. I bet it's like I have a rainbow arrow pointing at me.
Is using La Croix as a mixer for vodka a legit way to reach my daily water consumption?
Why did two squirrels just run out from behind the couch?
About that.
The fact that a spice girls song is stuck in my head is a great sign that my decisions aren't the right ones at the moment...
Randomize
