he puts the penis in happiness.
You give one guy a hand job and suddenly everyone wants to get with you
Reindeer Drinking Games will soon commence. Get over here while we're still sober enough to answer the door.
he kept saying "mind over matter" as he fucked me
He was carrying a rolled up carpet saying he was saving it for tomorrow's Walk of Fame.
she kept yelling about wanting tacos, so I gave her a piece of bologna in a tortilla. she didn't know the difference
He said I was almost as good as the wheel chair sex he had the night before. Apparently I just cant compete with 4 wheels
So the crazy cock blocking bitch sent her a picture of her boobs using MY phone and said: he's busy at the moment
I think that was him coming out to me. I just brushed it off
I shotgunned a beer immediately puked and rallied. And by rallied I mean had sex in the bathroom after he held my hair.
What a gentleman.
this isn't the first time i woke up with peanut butter in my butt
I finished OITNB and broke it off with my fuck buddy in the same day. It's going to be a rough week
It was 3 am when she drunkenly tried to deep-fry a banana.
How'd she do that?
Would you be so kind as to inform your husband that my truck is forever cursed by mashed potatoes and it's his fault.
I'm at the drive thru window, five minutes out. If the bathtub is empty or you're dressed when I arrive I'm not sharing.
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