soo according to the calendar on my phone, I'm 5 minutes late to have sex with that guy from work. Apparently we planned this, I even set an alarm.
he tried to make a toast, but hit the moving ceiling fan with his beer instead
either i blacked out mid-sex but remember the beginning and end, or he really only lasted a couple of minutes
I can't believe I am actually paying for a night in a hotel for my parents so I can throw a party the night before Christmas Eve. I also can't believe they think it's their Christmas present.
Just had a thought: were the sirens on when we were in the ambulance?
my self respect just called, its having a good time without me
nothing worse than walking out of class after 3 hours and having covered exactly zero information
walking out with herpes. that would be worse
Ok in all seriousness. Alcohol intake is now restricted for me. I found handcuffs in my trunk.
Told my prof I have mono so that he won't judge me when I show up hungover and looking like shit to class every day.
Just skip
Please. i have SOME standards
What kind of life do I lead that no one is surprised by the fact that I was watching porn at work with the hot 37 year old?
He hasn't touched a vagina in two and a half years. THIS IS WAY TOO MUCH PRESSURE TO BE UNDER
you smell like cheap hookers & chicken nuggets.
The party was Hollywood themed and I won an oscar for "finest ass in a leading role"
The lady at the front desk wished you a happy hangover.
Did you get drunk between now and two texts ago?
Randomize
