honey bunches of taint.
I wish there was a Glade Plug-in for vaginas
idk if its the weather or the "im still drunk" or the morning sex i just had with my roommates gf but that was def the most enjoyable walk in the rain ever
Worst hangover of my career vs the return of the blue balls. Will keep updated
The baby slept soo good last night. Its like he knows the importance of me being intoxicated all weekend.
I'm not sure if you saw my recent facebook update, but I have already put the Radio Flyer wagon to good use. I had someone pull me to the nearest bar.
If she doesn't judge me for bringing my vibrator in the tanning bed, I know she is a true friend.
Dude I'm about to just roll over and piss off the side of my bed, rather than make the conscious effort to get up and walk to the bathroom. One of those hangovers.
When have we listened to the rational side of either of us?!
I don't know anybody that can get the cops to drive them back to the bar after being pulled out of a tree
it happenes
Why is there a waffle in the knife drawer?
The real question is why are there knives in the waffle drawer.
This is the best 30th birthday ever. In a Motel 6 drinking a shower beer and sending slow-mo dick helicopter videos to you.
WTF ARE YOU DOING IT'S FUCKING VEGAN COFFEE IT'S MADE WITH NUT MILK YOU'RE NOT A FUCKING SQUIRREL.
Hey how're your balls?
Don't ever let me helicopter again.
I sent him a blank text because I didn't want to "drunk text" him.
Randomize
