how do you tell a roommate that having sex on your bottom bunk is not appropriate even if she has a top bunk that's hard to climb to?
I woke up covered in my own vomit with a pocket full of napkins. I guess I knew I would need them, but was not coherent enough to use them before passing out.
Just checked an empty cooler on the flight to Notre Dame. You don't have to tell me you're jealous, I already know.
I know, but I was really high and I felt like a failure dragon because I could only blow smoke, no fire.
Went from beach to class to bar all while wearing my swimsuit as pants. Clearly I'm dressed for success.
I thought about puking over the balcony or the bathroom and figured the balcony seemed much funner.
He told me he wanted to show me something beautiful, then just started peeing off the bridge into oncoming traffic
No, she isn't nearly as crazy as the girl who wanted to wear a vial of my semen as a necklace.
what's the appropriate greeting for someone whose bed you've had sex with someone else in?
Dude. When are you coming home? I'm laying in bed watching the Grinch and trying to pet a cat that I'm not even sure exists.
Has anyone ever blacked out at an art show your dad brought you to?
STOP FUCKING TELLING PEOPLE ABOUT THAT TIME THAT GUY CAME ON MY FACE WHILE I WAS ASLEEP!!!
She's the good dick fairy. You buy her a beer and half an hour later the best lay in the place is asking to take you home.
Maybe they'll dismiss me from jury duty after they smell beer on me. You can't keep me in a cage and then give me an hour and a half long lunch break next to a beer fest and expect sobriety.
We banged in my car doggy style with my head out the window. The sky was marvelous and I saw a shooting star. Its destiny; we're meant to fuck forever.
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