so then you didnt wanna fuck tonight right?
oops, you werent supposed to get that until you left.
i passed out on the floor in my hallway and woke up with my dog licking himself 2 inches from my face. my first reaction? envy
I love how I just got my coachella ticket and ecstasy in a package deal.
i'm glad we've gotten to the point in our relationship where I can eat peach rings off your penis.
well when mom kept referring to my "black hole of a vagina" and how i devoured all the nuts at the party like i was a pro, i figured my stay was up.
The problem with never associating with your roommate is that you never know if they're dead in their room with the door closed or just gone for the weekend...I sprayed some febreeze just in case.
He just tagged everyone he's slept with this year in a 'memories of 2011' tweet
If I EVER wake up with two black eyes again you better come up with a better story than trying to see how many punches I could take.
there is nothing more depressing than your birth control alarm going off while you're masturbating, and realizing you've been taking pointless precautions for over a month now.
Why is hotel staff askin about the blood in our room
Hey will pizza rolls help if you accidentally get a diabetic chihuahua drunk?
I have a cracked rib, no way in hell I'm bottoming for him tonight!
I have a rash on my arm from the cat litter. Think the cat will be mad that I peed in its box?
I don't trust a bar IN TENNESSEE that doesn't have Jack Daniels.
He called me dainty, then fucked me like the Viking God he is.
Randomize
