Sometimes I feel like I shouldn't drink when I come out of a black out half naked covered in puke. Then I realize thats why I drink.
I just recorded courtney puking and set it as my ringtone.
Just had perfomance review. I was told the best example of my integrity was when I told my boss I was going to fail the random drug test due to my weekend coke binge. She said that took a lot of character.
Contrary to what I yelled at them last night, it turns out campus police CAN arrest people...
sweet and enthusiastic is code for tiny dick.
I'm using process of elimination to determine which of our neighbors i fucked last night.
He nailed 50 frozen hamburgers to the ceiling last night. Now there are flies every where.
don't ever tell me how terrible your next walk of shame is until you run into your little brother on his way to class.
He was the only guy who ever made me cry..
Who, the park ranger who made you dump out your beer on the beach?
So what's the moral standing on reading gay porn on your phone whilst sitting next to your 87 year old Grandma?
I will have you know I turned Latino David Arquette down for sex because he's married. Total. Moral. Victory.
Flo's in town, ain't she.
Believe me honey Imma fuck the discount out of at least one plastic surgeon in my life
are you fucking roseanne barr in there?
Only thing exciting about him was his dick.
I drank beer out of a Frisbee and it was all downhill from there...
Randomize
