i have the same doorman on the day shift as the guyi shacked with has on the night shift. he just laughed at me when i came home this AM. FML
Dear tim. Christina farted and it smells like kid roses.
I just woke up under a kitchen table with my sandals taped to my feet and a corona bottle taped to my hand..
we were playing true or dare on a webcam chat and i was way to drunk ...i ended up having to drink my own piss outta a beer bottle, life couldnt get any worse right now
just ask for directions from a guy with a penis drawn on his window
You lit the bowl with a rolled up paper towel that you ignited on the stove.
I woke up on a raft in a bath tub filled with beer. excellent night.
my dentist asked me why my tooth was chipped, i told him i couldn't remember. i think he understands.
I just puked while everyone was releasing balloons. Im to hungover for this memoial service. Rest in peace great gramps.
We've given up. My vagina is tired of constant lonely nights and disappointments. This is our retirement.
So the TSA can feel me inside and out in front of 40 people, but they catch me fucking in the bathroom 20 feet away and all of a sudden their the decency police
I almost died in that meeting. Nearly dried up and blew away in the pure powder form of boredom
I know that feel bro
So far in 2016 I told someone id give them a blowjob for lasagna.
I used the phrase "love child of quasimodo and cyclops " in a sentence today.
I got wine drunk and bought a hedgehog.
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