yo i have your phone
... oh so you probably won't get this message
Can you return condoms to CVS?
Only if you return your pride as well.
i need a shirt that says "I fuck trainwrecks"
You were sitting at the bus stop holding hands with some Polish girl you just met, who was just as drunk as you were, and you kept trying to light your Kit Kat and smoke it.
im not sure if this headache is from the car accident or cocaine withdrawl
Someone better explain the burnt stove marks on my bed.
you know you have a brother who cares when he hands you a piece of pizza before you pass out from too many bong hits
I'll probably just close my eyes and point to a random name. That will be my vote.
I just realised how much we're failing the women's suffrage movement right now.
I swear to God, if you drunkenly correct my grammar one more time, I'm cutting you off.
Can we talk about how i am holding a tupperware container of my own puke in the back of my grandparents car while my sister drives
He won't leave and I need to take a shit and vomit, quite possibly at the same time.
I taught a straight girl about grindr today. She showed me tinder. It was like some sexual cultural exchange program
Remember when I was real fucked up and said I would give up utensils and only use chopsticks for lent?...just got the reminder on my phone.
So bottomless mimosas = me waking up in a truck bed in a random neighborhood with no purse or phone or idea how I got there.
I woke up on the damn lawn again...it's not even summer yet
Randomize
