3:26am: come over
you purposely dodge me and you could have stopped me from leaving, you know how far i live. YOU come over
4:11am: mnlodp
dude I don't understand hebrew and I'm not coming over
stuffed animals make me feel really maternal.
Turns out they use me as an example of What Not To Do at freshman orientation. My little brother told me.
It's the eternal vodka... it never seems to go away
I hope I take a shit on your face in your dreams tonight.
ugh... fuck pirate breakfast. my head is like thirsty.
Just learned a valuable lesson today. Don't open snap chats from 3 am the next morning while sitting next to a small child. They totally saw your dick.
My actions are not mine. They are the actions of Patron.
Glass of stolen champagne in a to go cup = tastiest hangover cure ever
New low: uploading my contacts into Facebook in an attempt to get the name of the girl I brought home last night.
i'm 99% sure they had an orgy while i was passed out
There are footprints all over my windshield
You said you were making waffles...
just saw a kid waiting at the door of the stairs for the elevator. there is no elevator in this building. get on his level.
Apparently my hair turned out really good because I got my butthole licked by a stranger last night
You can help me! We'll make an occasion of it. Have some rum, make some smores, condemn the email system to the pits of hell...
Randomize
