Amandyke just told me shes gonna make my tongue her cum rag. i'm borderline terrified
Spraying perfume on pants makes them clean right?
I just had someone call me out on a walk of shame via megaphone
Speaking of morons, I just found half a Subway sandwich in the bathroom drawer You or your brother?
The look I see on guys faces when they realize my nipples are pierced remind me of when my mom used to come home from the grocery store and surprise me with poptarts.
I was so drunk. I apparently did a flip over the balcony using it as monkey bars. Ya I hurt a bit today
My mouth tastes like what I imagine a hobo's skin would taste like.
Men are not even allowed to look at you without a condom on.
We tried to play tennis but after about 15 minutes we gave up and fucked against the fence. Woulda been a cute third date so of course I had to ruin it.
Send help, water and tortillas.
You know your acid trip is going well when the orange you're eating gives you a life lesson
seriously the second he called my tits warlocks was the second I knew I wasn't going to fuck him.
I'm sure there are thousands getting dick today in the name of independence
Please god tell me you aren't pregaming your date alone.
Sorry I drunk. I wouldn’t eat those pancakes. I think I put glitter in them.
Randomize