i thought i was pinching her nipple. It was her mole
I'm timing the release of my poops to the sound of the machine gun from the video game he's playing in the living room.
We had sex on the hood of my car and broke the windshield.
Is it bad that I had sex with another guy on my boyfriend's bed while he's out of town?
Just flip the mattress, it erases all
Done and done
Got some good news and bad news about the hayride this weekend.
The good news is its still on, the bad news is we don't have any hay. The best news, if you drink enough you won't give a fuck that its just a trailer.
Last night was just one giant freudian slip.
You made out with EVERYBODY.
Can I just bleach my life?
I'm sorry that I didn't get belligerently drunk and did not put my penis on your neck again
My chest hair is, as we speak, arching upward to embrace my neck beard. The union will be a storied one.
Sad fact: I'm doing that thing where I'm bored so I give myself Princess Leia hair and drink alcohol.
Just got arrested in my crocs and rolled up pants with a mr rogers sweater for literally fucking nothing can u come get me?
Well if homeless lesbian experimenting divorcée is your new M.O., you're gonna need to start drinking more anyway so if that's what it takes to talk about it tomorrow afternoon, bottoms up bitch
You yell at me for giving you beer but not for licking spilled beer off your chest.
all night she kept rolling over and mumbling something about wanting an extendable retractable urethra.
Long story short if you're going to get drunk on a sailboat at night leave your phone in the car.
i need some fresh meat. meat that has a license and a job and isn’t a FULL-blown alcoholic. partial i could tolerate, bc, haha, let’s be honest, me likey my drinkies.
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