I was so high i believed someone when they told me le moyne beat syracuse
do you know what somber means? it's kinda the opposite of a kegstand
Whats the count minus fat chicks?
I just found what appears to be a tooth in my purse...anybody missing one?
I knew I was rolling hard when I realized I had been rubbing the couch for an hour
Having to explain to my dad why there are chicken wings to the pool filter, new low.
On a toatally unrelated note, I see music in my hair
Nothing makes me happier than finding out someone else is pregnant and it's not you.
I kinda wanna Instagram the giant vag stain on my sheets. That is something to be proud of. It's a Christmas miracle.
I'm about to punish you for sending me a Snapchat of your boyfriend's morning wood
I used my iced coffee to ice the bump on my head from last night
And that was the night we had mind-blowing sex with the score from Raiders of the Lost Ark blaring on vinyl in the background...
I'm like 89% sure I could get him to buy me a car in exchange for a half-assed handy.
When he mumbled "I can't feel my legs," proceeded to stand, fall over, and just lay there I knew I'd given great head...
Kid walks in and orders 24 Mcdoubles and 14 large fries, as he's handing me the money he tells me he lost at rock paper scissors so he had to do the munchie run.
Randomize
