I'm at some bar in brklyn... just made out with a guy named Owen.
He is a pre-school teacher... just sang me a song about weather.
He looks like the kind of guy that still collects pokemon cards
Do you ever just KNOW it's gonna be a good day? I mean, like in a "just found a Vicodin in the bottom of your purse" kinda way?
I'm going to fuck him so hard that his dick is going to fracture
Glad to see your being a lady about this
We were both halfway out the window trying to give each other high fives over the roof while the dude was going 150.
I couldn't get past the raccoon on my porch so i slept on my lawn.
I did, I'm just saying. Once the drinking starts my nipples are no longer my control.
dude throwing a golf cart off a pier is harder than it seems!
I am buying anal lube, an enema, and a bag of kit kats. What part of this is compelling the Walgreens woman to tell me to "be well".
I'm super disappointed in my clit.
I just want him to get into an accident where he's horribly disfigured but otherwise fine so he's not so freaking handsome
I am pretty great at coffee and mistakes
Isn't it funny how we're still best friends after that incident with the old lady in the bathroom
You fucking bailed on me. But I love you still
yeah true but how easily can you rip a scrotum
I cant promise hot guys but i can promise alcohol which is close enough.
Randomize
