I want 2 things right now, you or a cig
cig
I puked last after eating a volcano taco and drinking vodka. I felt like a fucking dragon.
Clearly, I'm already going to hell, so there's no point in trying anymore.
The bridesmaids just went smackdown on the floor, over the bouquet. I saw nipple. Best wedding ever
He's like the houdini of condoms. I never even realized he put one on before we fucked. he's magical.
I'm not sober enough to be having a conversation about a rap she wrote in Spanish about public safety
When we do our power hour over Skype I'm just going to sit on the toilet so that way I won't have to get up in the middle of it and miss any shots
This guy punched out a light, puked in the sink, stole the mailbox, then tried to tell ME that I had to leave the party... Then his dog shit on the floor.
we left when one of the guys tried to stick himself with an IV that he found
They've taken all the lighthearted fun out of S&M.
That sounds worse than that time you thought out an entire story of how big bird would kill you
Now: to brush my teeth, put on my grandma slippers and earplugs, masturbate to 50 Shades and then PTFO
He signed my ass with a Waffle House pen.
Every time we have sex, I feel his dick ramming my soul into submission. Problem is..... I LIKE THAT SHIT!
Make a note to pack something that won't catch shell casings in your cleavage
Randomize
