3 complete strangers have joyously high-fived me on campus today. Tell me why, starting after jager bomb #4.
oh hey just found a glowstick in my tits. fuck yes new years eve
He just did a 33 second keg stand with a fractured leg, busted chin and chipped teeth from running into a parked car after winning a race.
mate, my mother watched me threw up out of my nose wearing only a g-string.
She rode an inflatable shark down the stairs. Viva shark week.
you were telling us about the time you had sex in an alley and he stopped, looked up and said 'it was a cul-de-sac' and went right back to what he was doing.
Buying her a drink is like giving a seagull a French fry, all you're gonna do is get annoyed and shit on
I feel like at this point in my life I should be dating someone who doesn't run out of all his money on Mondays and have to wait til fridy to buy his weed
My roommate is downstairs drunk, smoking, and listening to a self help DVD. Please dear God don't let this be the Ghost of Christmas Future.
Wellp yesterday was spent absurdly hungover and today was spent in planned parenthood so I hope that's not an indication of the year to come
Look I'm really high right now, and if I were to leave this house, it would be for the sole purpose of getting an ice cream sandwich. So can you please just do it.
All I need is $1,500, a beach ready body, a bigger dick & this will be the best spring break ever.
Last night when I blacked out, I ate Chef Boyardee. I never want to be that drunk ever, ever again.
I cuddled with a man named Pickles
This is why you have to watch more Zombie movies- to prepare for End Times...
Randomize
