Im so sleepy and hes snoring super loud! i just wanna suffocate him, sleep, and deal with the body when I wake up
He told me i was the nicest person he's ever arrested for DUI
Spotted: forty year old in red dress, cigarette in hand, squatting to pee by railroad tracks. Hello future.
If I could have all the money back from the pregnancy test i've bought- I could buy myself a vacation.
Or a large amount of condoms?!?
if women knew the size of my dick, theyd be much more receptive to my sloppy drunken advances
I could end up kidnapped. Or worse, the night will be really awkward.
We fucked in your water heater closet. Told you we'd try everywhere.
my longitudinal study of the long term effects of sloth and alchol-intake is nearly complete.
so you are graduating this semester.
Well at least you learned that cops don't like when you call them frenchy. Nice dive over the fence by the way.
And fyi howling is not an acceptable form of communication.
The EMT told me when I left the ER "I'd like to take off your pants again and inspect your package. Just not during a medical emergency..." We're hooking up tonight.
Points for getting a hot hook up after getting a shard of glass in your thigh. Almost makes it worth it.
One of the guys I danced with wanted to give me his number so I convinced him I had a photographic memory and that I would remember it.
No offense, I mean I'm sure you rocked my world and all but I don't remember.
You were mean to me and you broke my heart and hurt my feelings. You dont get to talk to me about Peter Dinklage
We get up to three toppings. Dignity is not one of them.
Randomize