Considering he believes im part of the 2016 us curling team id say hes pretty drunk
A few things for you to consider: 1. Drunk enough that I'm looking up the dictionary definition of Wish. 2. Dictionary.com has new features. 3. Windows is offering me 500 business cards for 5 bucks. 4. I've always wanted a card that says I'm a ninja
Threw a lawn chair at the neighboors dog. I think I killed him. Come here and assess this
These shoes are like walking on sunshine and labias. So soft and squishy
I was passed out on the dog bed yelling "I UNDERSTAND"
I think that was him coming out to me. I just brushed it off
My costume for the end of the world party was a success. Everyone in the ER thought I was there because I got hit by a car when it was actually from alcohol poisoning.
You said that when your ex gave you a blowjob her mouth was like velvet
Sorry I just took 4 pills about 20 minutes ago so I'm feeling like a claw machine like people tell me were I need to go and what to do and I'm just like yes sir so I get the teddy bear but I set it on fire and it's kinda black on one side and there might be smoke coming off it.
What's life without a pregnancy scare?
I work 80 hours a week to prevent myself from just laying in bed and masturbating all day. It's a hands off strategy.
No I did a yoga dvd and hit my ex up via email for some pot in exchange for his mail.
I've finally done it. I finally achieved my lifelong goal of becoming that awkward lesbian in high school who went on to have sex with more women than any of her male classmates.
You know you're out of shape when you're sore after masturbating.
THIS IS WHAT CELL PHONES ARE FOR! So you can tell me that you're bringing your coworker who lives in the "Halleleuia community" home for a beer SO I'M NOT DRESSED IN LEATHER LINGERIE WHEN HE WALKS IN THE FUCKING DOOR!!
Randomize
