He drunk dialed T-Mobile at 3am and talked to them for 45 minutes and got his phone bill lowered from $80 to $60... Best drunk dial ever.
She walked into class late sat down for 5 min muttered 'oh i cant do this' and walked out. She looked like death.
We should party with her soon
Oh, and for future reference, telling a guy that your ass is too tight for anal is like painting a bullseye on it.
Its so hard looking at my mom and pretending I'm not dying a slow death of binge drinking
Our halfway to Halloween party needs to never happen again. There were waaayy too many wasted cartoon characters passed out in my living room this morning...
Look if 10 am was too early to go barrel tasting the winery would not be open.
I think I may have walked up to her while she was with her friends and asked for a "do over".
The milf did the body paint, come to the bar
Did I run into a tree or get punched in the face?
Both.
Best part of leaving the university? Interns are as hot as my former students, not legally off limits, and they will do anything for a full time job.
Ended up in some house where this dude has a $1200 leopard cat
I made my uber driver take a pit stop between clubs so we could restock on Xanax. #priorities
I'm just blindly tossing my dick into whatever comes my way.
If I hear you use the phrase "silky soft scrotum" one more time I swear to God you'll regret it
Going back to our hometown to help Gramma move. Thinking we should see if we can fuck on the desk of the homophobic coach who first introduced us while in town.
Randomize
