I wish I only lived at night.
Bret has after-school detention for writing Brianna has a stinky vag on the ground at recess.
my bedside table was not meant to hold this many beer bottles.
Just saw some girl biking on campus with a babyseat on the front. Baby included. Do you know how many points that'd be worth?
the water pistols in the freezer are full of voddka.
I puked walking onto the plane. How do you think my post-Birthday hangover went?
These bubbles make my penis feel like it is resting on clouds.
I'm almost too hungover to function. Got into the wrong car by mistake. there was a rotweiler in it. Thank god he was more confused than i was for a minute.
My arrest report says I was found in midtown "performing lewd and lascivious acts on top of art meant for public display and enjoyment".
As Scar once said. Be prepared! For the shit show of what's coming tonight
I'm running on 2 hours of sleep. Just spent 6 minutes staring at the back of my hand thinking: "I don't really know this that well"
sooo trippy being back in town after 5 years. if you had asked me in high school who would be future coke heads, i would have been way off
Where the hell did you pick this girl up? She just licked my cat and stole our last poptart.
Stoned. Scared. Bring pool noodle and onion rings.
Can you please stop fucking every bartender in the city? Just once I want to have a Jack and Coke without fielding questions about your availability.
Randomize
