I'm going to but the new Playboy with Chelsea Handler on the cover. I'm pretty sure it's the only time buying a Playboy will make me gayer...
I just peeled a layer of cum off my eyelid. Don't even tell me that's not why you came over
someone just laughed at me while i'm laying on the floor waiting for the bus. like they've never been hungover.
and he should realize what an amazing ex i am for encouraging my best friend to hook up with him
I deserve like a purple heart or something. I just made it all the way drunk through my 2 story house without making a sound. While carrying a trombone.
Getting stoned and sitting front row in a legal class.. Not my best idea
Where'd you go last night?
Don't EVER let me photobomb a group of lesbians again. They made me their "straight mascot" and I ended up singing Donna summer tunes for beers at their apartment complex.
If I could run through a field of Reece's and Oreos, dive off a milkfall into a bowl of cereal. My Life would complete.
There I was, puking into the toilet, and he was rubbing my feet, buck naked. I feel like a drunk Disney princess.
Why is there cereal literally EVERYWHERE?
It didn't follow directions.
I knew how high you were when you put a french fry in your mouth and said 'fuck, this tastes like meat but feels blue.'
I don’t know what he is but he sure can suck a lollipop.
You guys do the cocaine and I'll do the dishes.
Hey, sorry I choked you last night... I was just really excited to see you.
Just bought shot glasses from the thrift store. I think the guy buying a winter coat was even judging me.
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