Why do guys in porn never have boxers on?
better question: why do you always text me when you're watching porn
sorry for covering your dog in whipped cream. his bark made it sound like he wanted it.
Currently bar hopping with 30 Navy SEALS. I know i'm safe but damn its hard to pick up chicks when you feel like a big pussy.
Word to the wise: do not smoke before going grocery shopping with only 12 bucks. So stressful.
Me and Phil are just drawing pictures of thumbs in different costumes during lecture. I love being a senior.
Oh we will ALWAYS be together. Or I'll have to delete my Facebook altogether. I've drunkenly boobie trapped photos of us into every album. There's no way I'd ever have the patience to go through that deletion process.
My roommate said I banged on the wall and said, "this dude eats pussy like a champ."
My goal for the night is to see your housemate's one lonely teste.
I'm a sociology major remember
Well that and comm
Basically you majored in how to get laid
Girl it's 3:30 get your life together and come enjoy a bowl, some coffee and a brownie with me
Also, I called my liver hardcore in front of vet students last night and then wound up having three of them trying to palpate it. So...not saying that again.
You tried to steal my pants at 3am saying they were yours and somebody was gonna die, not cool dude
I'm trying to behave my vagina this week so I can at least pretend I'm honoring the sanctity of marriage
You're a hot mess, you know that?
At least I'm a FUN hot mess. Like a train crash full of pizza, fireworks and glitter.
leads to pukin, then cryin, then 24hr masturbatin binge, then cryin again and finally a combination of all 3
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