Only you could turn Mozart into a stripper song.
We just stood on the porch wondering how you managed to puke up a whole piece of bologna
I just withdrew $200 in ones. I think the teller knew what was up
There are no words to adequately express my gratitude for sending me porn you found staring a former classmate.
As I was leaving the drunk tank the cop told me he had a feeling we would be meeting again real soon.
its taking every last moral i have not to steal this bike
you still have morals?
Well actually itd just be too hard to ride the bike with this large rake i just stole
Bubblewrap condoms. We can steal Ziplock's new slogan. Protection you can hear.
Something about a hand job in a car doesn't scream girlfriend
I hope making "real" money at your "real" job is worth it because you totally missed beer and dorrito mac n cheese tuesday.
I never thought I would say this but I have to clean queso off my vibrator
I'm so lazy and tired i just want to cry and fall asleep in a bed of egg mcmuffins.
Feels like I ran a marathon last night. A tequila marathon.
I was going to be upset with you on moral grounds but then i realized free chocolate was involved
The neighbors in the apartment above us are at it again. The roleplay this time is cop and prostitute. I give it 30 minutes, you? Already sounds better than the last one
honestly, fuck you guys. i'm gonna get drunk by myself
Randomize
