I just met a guy from Australia at the bar. I asked him what it was like down under and he told me if I went home with him he'd let me find out. I love Australians.
Thought you might like this. Had a dance off with an andy bernard look alike and pissed my bed. All in one night.
Going abroad, it was like my vagina was in a candy store... a sweet sweet british candy store
i put that paper plate back in your cabinet because i ate all the ketchup off and you can't even tell. you're welcome.
I just took my birth control with Redi-Whip. I'm that girl.
Yeah... I still gave her a hug because I felt really bad though. I mentioned that my boyfriends grandma just died too, just to reinforce that I'm straight afterwards.
We could make it cute. Like "oh those two cute lesbians who are about five foot two who sell the cocaine down the street. You know the ones? With the Yorkies?"
I was going through my mom's stuff to find her xanax, and I found her vibrators instead. Plural. That is like the opposite of what I wanted.
He spelled Steven with "ph", needless to say my nose was almost bleeding from the amount of axe he was wearing.
Just finished off half a bottle of vodka. Can't take in anymore liquids so I ate 3 spoonfuls of your powdered gatorade to fight off the hangover. Wish me luck and check me for a pulse when you get in!
Let's have sex in an apple orchard
I'm facebook/twitter stalking the guy I just slept with as he's passed out next to me. What a time to be alive...
My purpose is to unleash drunk self on strangers, i believe as some terrifying icebreaker, otherwise i too would offer my driving services.
What's a nice way of saying 'I wish I hadn't fucked you.'
Jus had a dream that I borrowed bob dylans car to save us from a pack of raptors. Pretty stoked about it.
Randomize
