He started yelling "we're making a baby" mid thrust.. probably not the right guy for me right?
I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
I asked my mother if she peed on that chair, she said "not bad" There is no good level of pee on a chair.
i love how i spend my mornings exploring my phone to see what i did last night.
so...he totally just used scissors to cut up the weed. a wet paper towel to moisten the blunt....and a blow dryer so it wouldn't be wet. this dude either has the worst case of OCD or has the potential to be the next martha stewart.
it was a 10 min screaming orgasm. i don't care that you were next door and didn't appreciate all the noise.
Considering the fact that you wouldn't give me my cat last night because he was "destined for broadway", yeah, I'm accusing you of stealing him
Why did I wake up holding food tongs?
how the hell did this chicken wing end up in my cast?!
Dude. Zebras have bad attitudes.
Ok. So I've woke up in a hospital. New thing to top that.... Waking up and realizing you've been locked inside the bar by urself at 430 am and all the doors are locked by key
A guy at one of our big accounts just said you probably dont remember meeting me saturday night ps you were right about those two girls being lesbian
But I am still fully ok with my life choices as long as the consequences aren't onesies and pacifiers
I'm setting goals and achieving them. I'd say I'm quite mature for my age.
You're goal was to fuck him and you don't even remember it.
only i would get cock blocked by a cop
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