You drink too much
No, I drink just the right amount - too often.
I just called a child with a Yankees jersey a jerkoff. so much for a friendly day @ the ballpark
You were mumbling a lot and offered me 20 dollars to leave you alone
The rest of us are chipping in to soundproof your bedroom. This is getting ridiculous.
I asked if he wanted to come over and he said he was busy. Then I sent him a pic of me in the bath with the bottle of wine I already finished and all of a sudden he was free. Booty calls are too easy.
High with mom again. She's giving me relationship advice.
I gave him head in my cape. On the kitchen floor. Watching a show about bacon.
I don't remember much of last night. But I woke up with very apologetic texts from him this morning so apparently I didn't get laid. Which is stupid.
There is a hatefuck that has the destruction level of an atom bomb raging through my viens just aching to vaporize her.
Watching elf, eating a tub of ice cream, and coming to terms with the fact that I haven't had sex in 5 months. Happy fucking holidays.
What am I supposed to say? "Hi new uncle in law once I tried cocaine in Mexico and every once in a while i motorboat strangers. so happy to be a part of your family"
Have you ever had chicken nuggets while high? Because it tastes like hearing the Beatles for the first time
Sorry that I got drunk and refused to let you buy me pizza. I'm a monster and I understand if you hate me forever
Does anyone remember last night? Because I still don't know why I now own a goldfish and a ceiling fan made of pizza?
Its mothers day... Can my present be an orgasm...for once?
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