After we had sex, she played this little piggy with my toes
i wish there was a 'silent except for booty calls' volume level on my phone
were you wearing a green and blue thong last night?
yes! wait why?
because i found it in my pocket this morning...
his dick got so hard in his pants and it broke his zipper
There is nothing like getting stoned and spying on people with binoculars
She could makes a perfectt roast dinner drunk but she nearly sets the kitchen alight microwaving popcorn.
We turned a watering can into a margarita bong.
Currently putting together my outfit for this weekend, AKA a poster board that says "I'll cook you breakfast and do all your laundry, take me home." On front and back
Well, he asked what my sign was, then proceeded to critique me on my beer pong stance... I really need to raise my standards.
Well. I had to explain to my niece that the word cunt is not an abbreviation for country. I'm the best aunt in the world.
Tell him that his phone is taped to the dog's stomach. Stop trying to call it because it makes him scared.
I had sex in the bed of a guy who owns a house last night so I feel like this is a significant step up from car sex in the parking lot of a library
Gave a guy a blowjob in a convent. Place in hell is now secured...
you going clubbing tonight?
well its tuesday isnt it
if I start to respond to these political texts with a middle finger emoji - do you think they will get the hint?
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