I want to kish your cheek
My cheeks are in Michigan
Oh my lips are kind of stretchy
we did it on the carpet and she just yells out "OH. MY PSORIASIS".
I need you to promise me that the first one to find out our kids smoke weed, takes the weed so we can smoke it ourselves
Heyyyy darlin are you busy?
Why hello drunk Jake. It's sober Sarah, I'll tell drunk Sarah you booty called. She'll probably be around tomorrow night.
the plan is to continue having sex with all three of them until my birthday, and then once they've given me their presents, they can find out about each other.
Hangover cure: shower, throw up again, sleep for 4 hours, eat salsa, brush teeth. Good to go.
I had to write an apology letter to security guards in the hotel so I didnt get kicked out
pretty sure if my vagina had a mouth, it would have been smiling afterwards.
I don't have patience to seek someone out and try to decipher whether or not I think I'd want to actually have their dick in my face.
There are people taking shots out of a turtle shell.
had a dream you helped me fill my shoes with yogurt. we were even like "why didn't we think of this before?!" like it was just so obvious
that sounds like something we'd do... we're onto something here
I woke up in a stranger's bed wearing nothing but santa socks.
well that's the third time this semester that I've projectile vomited walking to class in front of dozens of people
I someohow managed to lose my butt plug in tne midst of moving to B.C. and I am not a happy camper.
you can see where the duct tape was on my nipple
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