guess where i woke up this morning? If you guessed the hospital, you sir are correct.
I think I would be able to remember how to smoke but I can't seem to remember how to breathe.
Listening to her yell about my drinking problem is not helping my hangover.
He titled his birthday party on facebook, "BJ's in PJ's- an adult slumber party." I'm the only one invited.
Was I really yelling "girls night" at random chicks before stealing and drinking all their shots?
We had sex in the bathroom. Good sex. Toilet breaking sex.
I've literally never felt worse
My body feels like its decomposing
Unlike bears, this weekend is not the #1 threat to America. It is, however, the #1 threat to my liver
Do you think dominoes pizza would deliver faster if I told them I just had shower sex and that always makes me hungry?
Last night at the bar you we're seriously going up to people and pushing through them like they were bowling pins and you were a bowling ball
Are you on your way? Get your date and black out with me. Democracy's at stake.
He sent me a picture of Reese's peanut butter cups next to his dick. Of course I went over.
I did not pay that kind of money so that It could be hidden. that bra needs to shine in glory so that it can be seen by the world.
He woke up wondering who broke in and rearranged all the furniture. He reviewed 11 hours of security footage before I told him he did it while whiskey-drunk.
Just called to hear your voice and talk about pizza.
Randomize
