i just told my boss to make it rain at camelot later...what is wrong with me?
I try to help out whenever I can. Speaking of rough nights I woke up half naked on Brady's couch with bloody paper towels duct taped to my foot.
I don't want to have to force feed him my vagina!!
What shirt can I wear out that says 'I may have a broken arm, but it's not the one I give handjobs with'?
A zombie called me motorboat central while participating in an auction to motorboat my tits. he then proceeded to propose, insisting that he makes alot money.
His rebound girl is half his size, looks like a leprechaun, is majoring in theater studies and has arms like Rosie O'donnell. Do I win?
Is it frowned upon to puke at Keeneland while you're betting on horses or is it just whatev
Where the fuck do you get consience sedatives from?
When we were texting for those few weeks, I some how established a crush on you. And its weird and wild and stupid and silly. But these things just have to be said sometimes to determine what's real and what is infatuation. And to suffer the consequences of five am drunk philosophy. No regrets.
Because I'm currently dying, lacking waffles, and vaguely convinced I'm an eagle
I just found (and ate) a chunk of a reese's that fell between my boobs. Problem is that I finished those off 3 days ago in a drunk induced sob session... Has it really been that long since I changed my clothes?!
I dont know if hes kidding... but hes drunk and said hes going to shave his balls. Alert your emt friends
The boob job was worth every penny just to see the expression of pure joy on his face the first time he saw them.
This town reeks of teen pregnancy.
So. My mom went grocery shopping for me while I was at work & brought the food here. Cool bc my dildo was laying on the counter. Forgot I left it out. I am sure she saw. Im mortified.
Randomize
