its 4th on my favorites list. 1. butt sex 2. mini skirts 3. three meat pizza rolls 4. fuck the pain away by peaches
I tried to go shot for shot with some guy called "shit show martinez"
I gotta stop tellin complete strangers at the bar that they're the godparents to my first born
thanks. im glad you find me better in your comparison between me and fat girl porn.
he was like the dessert in the all you can eat man buffet that has become my life.
WHY does every guy I sleep with want to fix my car?!
He never broke character while fucking me on the neighbor's lawn. I give him a 10 for his dedication to the British accent.
How did "late lunch" turn into 8 solid hours of drinking??? I feel like death.
My mouth feels like it's at the dentist but my body feels like it's at the strip club.
I like the fact that you've for some reason taken my penis into protective custody
Also there's so much vodka on my breath that if I blew on my fingers my nail polish would fall right off
Let's just say it was like a porno version of Aladdin....
Just saw the cop you hooked up with over break. He’s def hotter in uniform.
Tell him to stop shaving his pubes. #Notmyjam
my Mom is now my Eskimo sister... she fucked my ex in my bed and took a selfie
I went with vodka instead of tequila tonight so I make better decisions. Fool proof plan.
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